I think we can be our kids' guides, not their rulers. We can’t always know what will "stick" so I choose to focus on my self-development and my ability to stand strong in the waves that raising a child can bring. I do believe that being a positive role model is one of the best things I can do. I deeply hope the next generation will keep striving for a better world and I think having social-emotional strength will be a big predictor of this success.
I want to remind myself and you of this kind of discipline, it's a personal path and I know it's not for everyone but I choose not to "put" my kid in time out *regularly* or punish her. I neither give rewards, threaten, nor take things away to "teach her a lesson". One exception, the toys on the floor. UGH! I have done that, stay tuned for a blog on a clear consequence of the “cleaning” part of early childhood parenting. I don't believe in my heart of hearts that threatening, bribing, or yelling is how lessons are learned. When she was two I did use time outs at the most stress-filled times. So, there are some exceptions as with all techniques.
For instance, when she plays instead of doing her bedtime routine and then the natural consequence is less reading time. I dislike it when that happens because I love to read to her and I mention this at the time. "Ut oh, I want to have enough time to read two whole books". Often just this gentle and honest reminder is enough to get her moving a bit more quickly. I will say this path is not easy. I end up processing a lot of my frustration when faced with a 6-year old that is not "doing as I say" or even as I ask. I have detailed conversations with friends and her dad.
I use my therapy time to process my feelings about HER feelings. She worries she does not have a talent (one of her more recent worries). I am not sure where she got the idea she needs "a" talent but nonetheless, it's there, the failure to add up (in her mind) at such an early age. Dance her dad interjects, "dance!", hoping to help her feel better by reminding her of this pursuit.
I mention later maybe we could just keep following the path to see how she feels when she does not think she had a talent. How do we feel when we don't think we are any good at anything!? Ugh, I have felt that before. I share this with her later.
I realize this whole interaction sounds pretty "therapist like" and yes I am a therapist so I guess that would make sense but I feel good about giving her the moments of exploration, these moments to be not ok because by walking through those moments with us our kids will come out the other side much stronger. They will know they can bring us the hard things. We are not going to slap some quick fix on their big feelings.
There are many more times I catch her feeling proud and I notice the big smile on her face and say something like, "you look proud of yourself".
Give yourself more moments where it does not all have to be ok and be ok with your kids not always being ok. Walking through pain instead of resisting it is a path toward less suffering.